excerpt from "But, Where’s Home?" (A Novel) by Toni Ann Johnson
excerpt from But, Where’s Home?
Monroe, New York, 1980
One day my mom tells me Aunt Velma told her that Zeke Odom finally asked Maddie out. We’re excited for her, but Aunt Velma read it in Maddie’s diary, so we can’t say Snickers till Maddie asks Aunt Velma if she can go, which is like a whole week later and then we all have to act surprised. I do act surprised. Then I feel bad and tell Maddie her mother told my mother, but I tell her she can’t confront her mother, because then my mother will know I told and then Aunt Velma will know my mother told, and that would be a big fucked-up mess.
According to Aunt Velma, Maddie’s been writing in her diary about no one but Zeke Odom since she was in sixth grade. She’s almost seventeen. I can’t imagine having only one cute brother to choose from all those years. Dag. If Maddie lived around me, she’d’ve already dated a few cute boys. What Aunt Velma doesn’t know is that there’s another dude Maddie kind of likes, but he’s White. Like snow white. Like a Viking. That’s what Maddie calls him. Guess she didn’t mention The Viking in her diary, or maybe Aunt Velma just doesn’t want to tell my mom that Maddie liked a white boy.
Anyway, when Zeke Odom picks Maddie up to take her to the movies, according to Aunt Velma, he toots the horn outside.
Maddie tries to run out the door, but Aunt Velma grabs her, rubs some rouge off her face and says, “You’re not going any-damn-where. That kid needs to come to the door like a gentlemen.”
He beeps again, and Maddie sasses off to Aunt Velma, “You’re crazy! Let me go!”
And when Aunt Velma doesn’t, Maddie, risking her life, says, “You’re just jealous, ’cause no one likes you! Get off me!” And Aunt Velma pops Maddie in the mouth.
I’m hearing this on the extension as Aunt Velma tells my mom as if slapping Maddie is as normal as making dinner or walking the dog. My mom doesn’t say it to Aunt Velma, but later she tells me: Your Auntie’s mad at that arrogant man she never should’ve married and taking it out on Maddie. Shame. I’ve been telling my mother about this abuse for years. She never believed me. Since we were small I’ve been seeing Aunt Velma hit Maddie. Sometimes for little things, like eating the last cookie, or leaving a towel on the floor. One time I was there when Peppermint Patty-Gina, who used be their next-door neighbor before they moved, called Maddie and asked to borrow a pair of crutches that were in their basement. They weren’t even Aunt Velma’s. The previous owner left them there. Maddie asked Aunt Velma if Gina could take them and Gina was still on the line, and with my own eyes I saw Aunt Velma morph into a maniac.
Her eyes flashed wild and she chased Maddie around the dining room table with one of those crutches, screaming, “What’ve I told you about putting me on the spot?” Finally, she caught Maddie and beat her down to the ground with that crutch.
I was shaking. Didn’t know if I should be scared, sad, or call the police. We went into Maddie’s room after, and she cried. When I told my mother, she kissed her teeth Jamaican style like this: “Tsssk.”
And she said, “Gyal, stop dem tales ’bout your Auntie.” Then she waved me away like I was a bad smell. But I did try.
So Zeke beeps a third time and Maddie starts crying. According to Aunt Velma, she’s crying because she thinks Zeke’s gonna leave (not because she just got popped in the mouth!) and when he beeps a fourth time Maddie rips her arm away and runs out the door.
The boy never does get out of the car. Aunt Velma says, “Zeke has no damn class and on that point I concur.”
Maddie tells me later that while he’s driving they stop at a red light. Zeke kisses her and puts his thick tongue way deep in her mouth and almost down her throat. She isn’t expecting all that; it’s very fast, she says, too fast, and out of nowhere, and it doesn’t feel one bit romantic.
I’m listening to her tell the story and what it sounds like to me is that Zeke Odom was hoping to not even get to the dang movies. Sounds like he was angling to park somewhere and get Maddie into the back seat. The thing is Maddie has no experience messin’ with boys. She’s not like that. Sounds like he thinks she is, though. And I’m wondering why? What’s his rush? Why’s he tongin’ her down soon as she gets in his car? I suspect it’s some White shit. See, White boys think Black girls are easy. It’s in their genetic memory from when any enslaved woman was theirs if they wanted her. Now they see Black chicks in movies playing long-legged hos in hot pants. They hear Donna Summer singing “Love to Love You Baby,” and La Belle’s, “Voulez Vouz Choucher Avec Moi,” and because they don’t know any real Black girls they think all of ’em are ready to spread their legs. And this Zeke kid is up in Monore around all these dumb jock White dudes, so I bet that’s where he’s getting his misinformation. Poor Maddie. Even though she thought she liked Zeke because she pretended he was something special, she didn’t know his ass at all. And she made up what she wished he’d be: a boy who’d really dig her and think she was special, too. She is, but how would he know that?
They do end up at the movies that night, but they don’t watch. They mostly make out the whole time and he feels her up and she tells me she doesn’t really like it.
I ask her, “Why’d you keep making out with him, then?
And Maddie says, “What? I thought I had to. Isn’t that what I was supposed to do?”
I’m like, “Uh . . . No, Maddie. If you don’t wanna do something with some stupid-ass boy, you don’t do it. You tell him to take you home.”
She says, “But then he won’t like me, Suzy.”
And I say, “So what?”
And then she goes quiet. I feel bad for her. I don’t even tell her about my new boyfriend (who’s fine as hell, and really nice), and what a great time we’re having because Marcel is my third boyfriend and she’s never even had one. Next time we talk, she brings up Ron, the Viking.
He’s in her choral singing class and he’s started leaving nice notes in her locker. He folds them up and slips them in there and they say things like: “You look really pretty today,” and “You sounded amazing in your solo!” They cut class one afternoon, and Ron the Viking drives her to a diner and tells her he likes her. Maddie doesn’t say how she feels.
She told me she wasn’t really sure, but the next day he holds her hand when they walk down the hallway. She likes it at first. No one had ever held her hand at school before. But then the whole time they’re walking together people are staring as if it’s some kinda shock that this White boy’s holding her hand.
She said some people seemed mad and others scrunched their faces like she made them want to hurl. She won’t hold his hand again because of that day, and also because even though he didn’t seem to care what she is, she’s afraid his family will have a problem with it. She wasn’t worried about our family. I don’t know about my mother, but I think I’d have a problem with it. Because Maddie needs to have at least have one Black boyfriend before she has a White one. She needs to know that not all Black dudes act like Zeke Odom did.
Too bad Maddie’s going to NYU instead of an HBCU like Howard, where I’m going, because I don’t know if she’s gonna have many options at NYU. I really hope she comes to visit me. I know there’s gonna be so many fine brothers at Howard and even though I already have a boyfriend, I cannot wait!
After the Viking and the terrible date with Zeke Odom, Maddie gave up on boys. She didn’t even want to talk to them. Said she needed to get out of Monroe, go to college, and then start dating.
Well. Last weekend I’m visiting her and we go to a party at her friend Julia’s house and I’m sitting there watching all these no-rhythm havin’ White kids dancing to god knows what ’cause it sure wasn’t the beat, and Zeke shows up. Now, I’m not gonna lie, the boy looks tasty. I see him and I’m thinkin’ got-dayum. This boy’s pretty like Mohammed Ali. Smooth, peanut butter-colored skin. Thick eyebrows. Big boulder-like shoulders. Zeke Odom’s as fine as Maddie’s been saying he is. I see why she pined for him all that time. And turns out I was right about what he was hoping for on that date.
This is what went down: We’re all sittin’ on Julia’s basement stairs. He’s up top, heads our way, and when he sees Maddie, he plops himself on the stair above us, meets me, makes chit chat, and then I move down a step like I’m a talk to Patty-Gina and Julia, who’re sitting there.
But we all listen and hear him say to Maddie, “Can I ask you a personal question and you won’t get mad?”
I’m thinking aw shit. Somethin’ foul’s ’bout to come out his fine-ass lips. He doesn’t wait for her to answer when he says, “You ever been fucked?”
Julia looks at me, eyes bugged out like a fly’s, like she can’t believe what she’s hearing. Patty-Gina slaps a palm to her forehead, and I’m just trying not to laugh. Maddie’s mouth is open, but nothing’s coming out.
Finally, she says, “Uuuuh . . .” And he says, “Do you wanna be?”
Maddie is mute, her tongue lying limp in her mouth. As she stares at him she looks catatonic, like one of those damn near dead people you see in the old-folks’ home.
He says, “Cause, every other girl I ever went out with I always fucked ’em on the first date.”
Maddie’s eyes, cheeks, and lips droop down her sad face like a wilting flower. Finally, she closes her mouth. Then tears start falling, and she’s palming them off her cheeks as if they embarrass her.
And then something interesting happens.
I see this look splash over Zeke Odom, like a cold glass of water hit him in the face. I would say the brother’s having an oh shit moment. Like he all of a sudden he realizes he got it all wrong about my cousin. And he says, “Aw, man. Did I — ? I thought you — I mean, I heard you wanted to — . . . ”And then he stops.
“What?” Maddie snaps. “What did you hear? You heard stuff about me?” She wipes tears away again.
And he sighs, and in a different-sounding voice, a softer, sweeter one, he says, “Damn. I’m sorry. You’re probably scared of me now . . . Are you?”
She doesn’t say anything.
He shakes his head. “I’m really sorry, Maddie. I don’t want you to be scared of me.” He’s looking at her, trying to get her eyes to meet his and now she won’t look at him. She stares down at the carpeted step. His hefty shoulders slump forward and he hangs his head like he feels bad for real. Then he sighs, gets up, and big as he is, he somehow looks small when he climbs back up the stairs.
Whew. Gina gets up and hugs Maddie. Me and Julia just sit there for a minute.
I saw something in Zeke — something almost nice — that I didn’t see when he was talking that shit about every other girl on the first date. I told Maddie I thought he figured out that he made a mistake. Maddie said she didn’t care. He didn’t act nice at all when they went out. She said he treated her like trash.
So much for that. Too bad. Maddie’s pretty sure things’ll be better when she gets out of Monroe. I hope so. Hope they’ll be better for Zeke Odom when he gets out of there too.
* * *
New York, New York, 1980
Phil glanced at Maddie in the passenger seat as he rounded a curve and the RX-7 hugged its way down the West Side Highway. They’d just come off the George Washington Bridge and her curly head was turned, straining to look back at the Little Red Lighthouse. She did this without fail. She’d been doing it since she first read the book when she was in kindergarten.
Phil smiled, remembering how she’d crane her neck and yell, “I see it, Daddy! I see it! The Little Red Lighthouse! It’s bridge’s best friend!”
He watched her clinging to this last shred of childhood still delighted by the sight though she was no longer little. They were heading to her new residence at NYU and then he’d be off to meet his new love, Muriel, who was waiting at his office, which was just a block away from Maddie’s Fifth Avenue dorm. There’d be no “empty nest” because Maddie wasn’t actually leaving the nest. Not really. He’d see her all the time. They’d go to dinner, and movies, and to the Jazz clubs in the Village like they’d been doing since she was thirteen. Sure, it might be somewhat different, because he was soon to be free, and because Muriel would undoubtedly take up some of his time. But they’d stay close.
He’d remained in the house, one toe stuck in his miserable marriage for Maddie’s sake. Now he could finally move on. Fuck Velma and her cruel and inhuman treatment. He was ready to sue her for that. She was at fault — holding him hostage, running up bills, berating everything he did. He had to move out. She was unbearable.
They weren’t speaking, hadn’t been for months, since their big fight in May. He’d brought Velma and Maddie to a tennis resort in Vermont during Memorial Day weekend. On the second night there Velma went berserk when he offered Maddie some weed in their room. That woman can make the biggest unnecessary fuss over the smallest things. At least they managed to attend Maddie’s graduation together. They put on a front for his mother and her parents, but in reality, their lives were separate. He was sleeping in his home office cottage. It would’ve been lonely if not for Maddie. And she’d needed his support so he’d stayed.
She performed in a Beatles tribute — a singer’s showcase on the Upper East Side organized by her voice coach. And like the selfish shrew she is, Velma refused to attend. She could’ve gone separately from him. She could’ve at least pretended to take an interest—it was Maddie’s first professional appearance in the city—but Velma doesn’t think about anyone else’s feelings. Just a few weeks ago, Maddie called him at his Manhattan office. She was sobbing as she told him she’d left home. She was staying in town at Gina Megna’s house because Velma had attacked her in the middle of the night. Maddie said she’d knocked over a lamp by accident while her mother was out, and she woke up to Velma hitting her in the face with the lampshade. Her bottom lip was split open. Maddie asked for money to stay somewhere else. But this was early August. Phil had her tuition to pay for and he’d hired a divorce lawyer.
“You’ll be leaving for school soon,” he told her.
“Can you stick it out a few more weeks? Stay in the cottage when I’m gone.”
He also gave Maddie the keys to his city office so she could go there when he was in Monroe. All Velma gave Maddie was the silent treatment for embarrassing her by involving the Megnas. Velma’s lucky that’s all Maddie did. She could have called the police. She could’ve hit the fat bitch back.
Even with all Velma’s abusive nonsense, Maddie still craved her approval. It pained Phil knowing how badly she wanted her mother to see her perform. During the showcase he could see Maddie’s eyes darting wildly around the audience from the stage. He saw her disappointment, too. But he was there. He wouldn’t’ve missed it. She sang, “Yesterday” with great emotion and, boy can she carry a tune. She’ll be singing in Madison Square Garden one day and his friends and colleagues will see what a sensation his kid is.
He took her to celebrate afterwards at Bradley’s, a jazz spot around the corner from his office. Maddie didn’t bring up Velma’s absence. It’s been that way for years. The two of them hanging out. Phil and Maddie against the wicked witch. His daughter was the one beacon that shined in these last few dark years.
He pulled up and double-parked in front of the awning of the residence hall. Maddie only had one box with her bedding and a large duffle bag with her clothes. He couldn’t fit any more than that in the RX-7’s hatch. He’d bring the rest of her things down over the nextcouple of weeks.
He kissed Maddie goodbye and sent her inside with her bag. He watched through the glass as she entered, dark curls bouncing on her head; legs thin in the Calvin Klein jeans he bought her. She weaved through the throng of parents and kids until he couldn’t see her anymore. Then he lifted her box from the back of the car and felt his lower back tweak into a spasm. Agh. The fucking thing wasn’t even heavy. Middle age and its damned indignities. He carried the box inside, and dropped it, with a thud, near the guard’s station opposite the brass revolving door. Her name was on it. She’d find it. It took him a moment to straighten up again.
He couldn’t stay. Muriel was waiting. He eased carefully back into the car and headed toward the garage on Twelfth Street. Even with his aching back, Phil was exhilarated by thoughts of romance and pussy and hopefully a massage. He was ravenous for adult company; for the new life he was entering just as Maddie was sailing into hers. They could both be happy now. And even if the divorce did get bumpy, which it likely would knowing Velma, at least he and Maddie had each other. They’d ride out this rough patch together.
Toni Ann Johnson
Toni Ann Johnson is the winner of the 2021 Flannery O’Connor Award for short fiction with her linked collection, Light Skin Gone to Waste, released in October 2022. Roxane Gay selected the book for the prize and is its editor. Johnson’s novella, Homegoing, was a semi-finalist for the William Faulkner Wisdom Award in fiction. It won Accents Publishing’s inaugural novella contest in 2020 and was released in May of 2021. The novel Remedy For a Broken Angel was released in 2014 and earned Johnson a 2015 NAACP Image Award nomination for Outstanding Literary Work by a Debut Author. In 1998 Johnson won the Christopher Award and the Humanitas Prize for her screenplay, Ruby Bridges, the Disney/ABC movie and true story of the young girl who integrated into the New Orleans Public School system. In 2004, Johnson won a second Humanitas Prize for her screenplay, Crown Heights (Showtime), also a true story.
Headshot: Toni Ann Johnson
Photo Credit: Staff